A love letter for the memories of you

by — Feb. 23, 2002 (Comments)

Not everything I do reminds me of you. But the memories keep flooding back in so many ways. I hear a familiar song and all of a sudden YOU come back into my mind. I see something on television that I enjoyed watching with you and all of a sudden there you are. I am not trying to forget you, I just don’t seem to control when I think of you or when I dream about you.

The Olympics are here again. For years we watched them together and now I watch them alone. There is no one to turn to for expressions and opinions. An old song was played that I remember when we were ‘we.’ How the memories flooded back. The memories of time spent together, children growing up and seasons in the sunny days and rainy days. We had so many of both. I remember the days through the songs that were playing at the time. I didn’t realize how songs bring back the memories of our days together or how sad it is to know that we can never talk about them or have any more days together.

Together for 30 years and separated for 10 years, I did enjoy the time we last spent together every now and then. The first 30 years was filled with fun, gladness and toward the end a lot of anger and sadness. I am so glad we got through that so that the last 5 years was filled with togetherness.

It is with sadness when I think about you because you will never be in my life again except in my thoughts and dreams. You were invincible, why aren’t you here now? What in the world could have saved you and why didn’t you listen? Why don’t any of us realize how fragile we are and take care of ourselves? Are we too lazy, too selfish, to do what needs to be done to LIVE?

Life is about sharing, caring and loving. How can we feel/believe that we will live forever -- when no one does? Why don’t we understand that we need to take care of our minds, bodies and souls to have a full long life? How can we hurt those we love the most by not taking care of the business of being as healthy and alive as we can? All too soon, we leave those behind that love and care for us so much. The hurt and pain we cause because we didn’t stay alive. Any age is too soon when we have so much to do for those we love, it never will be accomplished if we don’t stay and do it. You shocked and surprised so many of us who thought you would live on and on and on. When you didn’t, the impact was tremendous.

In our distant past together, I cannot recount the hurt and pain you inflected on me financially and emotionally, but the lifetime we spent raising the children and spending our young lives together overpowered that in the end and we were able to have a mutual relationship that I thought would go on forever. Your forever was not to last long enough, while my forever goes on without you. There is no one to share the memories we had together, who ‘knows’ what we knew and lived what we lived. The deep hole you left in a lot of lives will take a long time to heal.

How do I get through the memories that keep rushing back at unexpected moments? How do I help our daughter and grandson who depended on you so desperately? You knew that, yet you left us. Didn’t you know? Couldn’t you have protected yourself for all our sakes and given us more time together? Or did you know? Somehow, some way, you must have suspected something was wrong and now I want to know. I want answers. I want your thoughts, feelings and beliefs on so many things, but more particularly, how did you feel, did your chest hurt sometimes, did you feel tired or weak and not want to give in to it. You should have known that even at your age, there are signs and symptoms that must not be ignored?

Just because your Type II Diabetes, diagnosed three years previously, was under control, your blood pressure was under control and your cholesterol was not too high. . . .your weight was too much and so was your lack of exercise. Healthy, we thought, little did we all know that Type II Diabetes accelerates the artherosclerosis that halted your footsteps.

We miss your jokes and your ribbing, your thoughts and your larger than life stability. We are trying not to waiver in the wind that comes from leaning on you. However, it will take awhile to build a new foundation without you. You are in our thoughts and prayers and most of all the memories. Without you, the world is meaner and greedier. We trust no one and miss your strength in times of trouble. Rebuilding is hard enough, but without you, it is much tougher. We will toughen up with God’s help and our leaning on Him, however, we miss you dreadfully and will cherish your memory forever.

We will survive, because you taught us how. We will go on, because you wanted that for us. We will find a new life and a new purpose because you would be proud of us and would have wanted that for us. You wanted that for us alive, we cannot let you down now. We will survive and go forward successfully and always remember you. We love you, always.