Bad boys, bad boys

by — Sept. 20, 2000 (Comments)

Why are some of us attracted to the bad boys? Difference represents challenge; likeness represents complacency. Does that tell the story? Difference from anything you’ve ever know, that’s what the bad boy is if you’ve never been exposed to one. Every day is a different feeling, sight, sound and smell. The food you eat, the different lifestyle and your horizon expands to meet that difference. Exciting? You bet!

Every day is a new day. Every dream is a new dream. Perfect? Did I say that? No, it’s not perfect. It’s far from perfect, its just different.

Why can’t I settle for likeness? Why do I have to have the challenge of the difference? I have no idea. If I knew I could bottle it, sell it and make a fortune because so many of us are drawn to the bad boys.

The answer? I don’t have one. All I know is that I want to be with the bad boy. I was kicked, put down, turned around and yet; all I want is a bad boy.

Life was full, life was fun, life was magic. What is magic? Meeting your soul mate? How can a goodie-two-shoes like me have a bad boy soul mate? Why did I accept the emotional abuse? He was magic. When it was good it was very, very good, like nothing else in this world. When it was bad, it was the depths of hell. The highs were so very high and the lows were so very low. I lived for the highs. There weren’t a lot of them, but they were magic.

The sadness of my soul without my bad boy is crushing. No he didn’t leave, I did. It’s tearing me apart, but we had to separate.

Bad boy, bad boy, where are you now? The magic is gone and I am alone. The memories are tearing me apart. The wind is no longer beneath my wings and I am not soaring so high or touching the sky. The magic has gone. The blue-eyed bad boy is far away now, out of sight, but never far from my mind. The songs on the radio blur my eyesight. I hunger for the lifestyle that was once so magical. That era can never come again, nor should it. It was a time that was magical, but it was also a time that was abusive. So even though I know in my mind that it was the best thing that could ever happen (to separate) my heart feels the pain of that separation. I know what I am doing is in my best interest and best for my future it is most difficult to reconcile.

Looking for another bad boy? No Way! That kind of magic comes around only once. I’ll be without rather than have a shadow of what once was. I lived in a magical world and I am glad I did. However, the pain is excruciating and the memories and the love warm my heart. I had the best. Forget the rest.

The only analogy to explain who we were is Sunshine (me) and Rainbow (he). I remember you cannot have the beautiful rainbow without the rain or the sunshine. I also know deep down that I must go forward no matter what and I will, just give me time.